“Have you seen the new travel policy?” your colleague asks, clearly frustrated. “It's like they don’t even trust us to ride an elevator without funding!”
You had seen the new policy, in fact, and are pretty concerned. You are about to vent your own frustration when something makes you pause.
This scene (in countless forms) plays out many times every day in the working world. Nearly everyone has done some venting after dealing with an inconsiderate coworker, a short-sighted boss or a bureaucratic mess. And most of us have also been on the receiving end of someone else’s venting.
Why not vent? It feels good to be heard. It feels good to have a sense of camaraderie in shared pain. It feels good to lay our burdens at someone else’s feet. And isn’t it a good idea to release pressure from a tense situation?
Well, no. Deep down we know feelings of camaraderie based on complaining about other peoples’ actions don’t last. And we know venting doesn’t actually improve the underlying situation. There is evidence to show that far from easing emotional tensions, venting actually increases stress.
Venting makes for a less effective workplace, too. It implies there is only one point of view to be considered. It presumes conflict and aggression are the natural order of things. And it discourages exploration of options to address problems.
Moving toward problem-solving
- Write a letter… and then tear it up: When U.S. President Abraham Lincoln felt particularly frustrated by someone’s actions, he wrote what he called a “hot letter” pouring out his anger at the person. Then he burned the letter or filed it away. Venting into an unsent letter gave him an emotional outlet without collateral consequences and helped clarify his thinking. If you normally prefer digital writing, switch to pen and paper for this effort. Writing long-hand provides a greater release. And afterward, tearing up your own angry handwriting provides a powerful symbolic message to your brain.
- Seek support from a colleague ... and ask for disagreement: Sometimes a “hot letter” will not be enough. You will want dialogue. Unfortunately, when dialogue turns into venting, you implicitly expect the other person to agree. To preserve space for a new perspective, be explicit from the outset that you want to hear your colleague’s point of view even as you talk through your frustrations.
- Ask your colleague for feedback on future steps: Venting is firmly rooted in the past. Asking for feedback on even an imperfect plan turns your mind toward the future, even in a small way. For example, in the scenario above you could ask, “Should I just tell someone in HR that the new travel policy is awful?”
Helping others move toward problem-solving
- Declare your support as a friend and colleague independent of the issue: When a frustrated colleague wants to vent about another person’s actions or about another department, it is tempting to respond with sympathy and commiseration immediately. That is usually what the colleague wants, after all. And you may very well agree with the views expressed. Sympathy and commiseration are important. However, to turn venting into problem-solving, separate emotional support from the issues. In the travel policy scenario above, you can say something like: “I totally understand why a change in the travel policy would be a big deal for you and your team. You all travel a lot. This sucks. And I want you to know I’ve got your back in figuring out next steps, however I can help.”
- Defuse superlatives: Venting often includes or implies extreme statements. Superlatives such as “always” and “never” are common to venting because they deflect responsibility from the speaker and let her off the hook. When you hear these phrases--or sense them lurking under the surface--ask your colleague if she can think of similar scenarios where the situation was different or could be different with a few different facts. If you feel your question may be perceived as criticism, explain you are asking because you want to make sure you understand scope of the problem.
For example, in the travel policy scenario above, you could ask, “Is there any part of the policy that stayed the same in terms of traveler approval levels?” Regardless of the answer, you have changed the orientation of the conversation away from hopelessness and toward solutions. - Ask probing questions to find the “Third Story”: To move into problem-solving, explore what conflict negotiation experts call “the Third Story.” Essentially, you take on the role of an informal mediator between your colleague and the absent party. The Third Story is that version of the facts both sides could agree on. You begin to reveal it by summarizing what you understand the person venting believes, and then ask for verification. After your colleague says you understand his point of view, ask what he thinks the other party believes, including goals and objectives.
If your colleague slips into venting, ask questions to explore what evidence leads to those conclusions, testing to see if they are consistent and realistic. In the travel policy scenario, you could ask, “What changes in the policy suggest that management doesn’t trust employees?”
Finally, discuss how to move from the Third Story to a mutually agreeable course of action. If you feel inspired, you can offer a trial balloon idea for critique by your colleague. Encourage your colleague to poke holes in your suggestion, so long as he agrees to offer refinements that would work better.
Although reframing venting into positive problem-solving takes work, it allows people on the front lines of an issue to focus improvement where points of greatest conflict exist (as evidenced by the desire to vent). More importantly, it brings greater satisfaction and collaboration to all teams.