The big takeaway: Apologies are never about the apologizer… unless the other party asks.
Apology goals:
- Make it in person whenever possible.
- Make it at the right time for the recipient. In some cases, it is best to let the other person know you are aware of the issue first and explain that you will get back with more soon.
Includes as many of the following as possible, in order:
- An acknowledgment of any shared understanding regarding the issue (e.g., “I knew about your deadline.”)
- An acknowledgment of your failure to meet expectations
- An expression of ownership for the failure
- An assessment of impact on the other person (including how you believe it may have felt for the recipient)
- A desire to hear about the recipient’s feelings, if the recipient wants to expand
- An unflinching judgment of yourself regarding the subject of the apology, although take care not to sound like a martyr
- A statement of regret
- An expression of apology
- An indication of future intent to avoid the failure
- A discussion of how you will prevent future failure, if possible and the recipient is willing
- A request for forgiveness
What a good apology does not include:
- The word “but…”
- An explanation of how the failure happened unless it helps explain how you will prevent future failures or the recipient asks. This may seem counterintuitive and hard to do, but restraint is vital because explanation during an apology sound like excuses to the recipient feeling hurt
- A comparison to other failures by ANYONE, including yourself, unless requested
- A defense or justification (again, unless requested)